Don’t be afraid!
Don’t be afraid; we won’t delve too deep.
Instead, we’ll dip our toes and peer into the shallow end, a vital place to start.
Somehow we’ve complicated an act that was never in threat of disappearing.
When was the last time you had a heart-to-heart about healthy sex? It had been a while for me until I began sharing my work and getting feedback. Certainly, the discussion would occur with close friends and family, but generally as ribald humor and not a serious give and take on the matter and its implications.
And it’s no wonder. Somehow we’ve complicated an act that was never in threat of disappearing. Sex needs no advertising, agendas, or external forces to ensure the average adult indulges in grown-up play.
Some people approach sex with excitement, others caution, and some aren’t interested—any style is fine.
What isn’t fine is the lack of framework for what healthy sex looks like.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t get this information. We’re flooded with impossible images, incredible demands, and a society that implies boundaries are unimportant. Without boundaries, you can’t find your limits, and chaos can quickly ensue without them.
It doesn’t matter your orientation, fetish, or predilection. Three ingredients are necessary for every sexual encounter, from a Wham Bam Thank You, Ma’am! to a lifelong love affair.
Romance Rooted in Reality
Before writing Romance Rooted in Reality, I distilled the three essentials for an intimate, joyful experience. It allowed a framework for how I write romantic scenes. Neither prudish nor salacious, my goal is for the characters to connect on a fundamental level. Without this intimacy, then coupling is even less than an animalistic act.
Always. Always. 100% of the time.
Should you sense any hesitation or doubt from the other adult involved, follow up with a verbal inquiry.
“You want this too, right?”
“Are we doing this?”
Get that “yes,” and you’re one-for-three.
I’ll explain with two scenarios.
♥ Warning - The heat level rises. ♥
A handsome man dances with a beautiful woman at a club to the exclusion of everyone else. It’s too loud for words, but she shows interest with grinding hips and kissing lips.
Taking her cue, he holds her hand and brings her to a quieter space—a broom closet.
“I want you,” he says.
“I want you, too,” she responds.
“But I’m not taking you home,” he tells her. “I’m taking you right here, right now. Relationships aren’t my thing the way nailing a woman against a wall in a broom closet is.”
His honesty is a turn-on, like his baby-blue eyes and lower-than-average I.Q. The last thing she needs is a pretty boy on her arm. She wants a memorable experience to relive in her dotage, so she removes a condom from her purse with a saucy grin and asks,
The couple is now two-thirds of the way to a salubrious interaction.
Same couple. Same everything until he tells her his one-time-only stance. Before responding, she tells herself a story.
I bet I can change his mind if I give him the best broom closet sex ever. He’ll be cooking me scrambled eggs for breakfast this morning, and I’ll be moving into his place before long.
She chooses a lie of omission to convince him to bring things next level instead of sharing her counter offer so he can make a new choice based on her truth. So with a saucy grin, she asks,
And now, the chain of essentials to intimate sex has been broken. Toil and trouble are in both their futures. Sadly our couple cannot proceed to number three, the most fun of the bunch.
3. Mutual satisfaction
Our fictitious Valentino’s number one priority is to get off.
This is not a bad thing.
Read Challenging Times No Doubt for tips on why putting the self first is imperative.
But his second priority is getting her off. And for her, the same applies. Her first, then him. Two people. Two priorities. Respective delight.
And now that we have checked off all three boxes: Consent, Honesty, and Mutual Satisfaction, the sky is the limit.
So play, explore, and get nasty if that’s your common interest.